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Finding Faith Alone

March 1, 2009

These last few years have been a real struggle for me when it comes to matters of faith. When the sun comes up each morning and the day has just begun I have doubts and fears deep within me. What if what I was taught as a child isn’t truth? What does God want of me now? How much can one person handle? For me the last few years my faith has gone through a period of great turmoil as I question God, as I question Christ, as I question the reasons to believe. But let me take you back and tell you how I got here.

I grew up in Brandon Manitoba and attended Sunday School there at Knox United Church. There I first learned that God existed and who Jesus was.

 Then as a Youth I became part of a great youth ministry in Winnipeg at Friendship Baptist Church. There was an emphasis on missions, youth, and sharing your faith. Several of the youth including me were part of a good choir that often represented Southern Baptist work in Canada. I was even part of a church planting team that started a small church close to the University of Manitoba. I loved that period of time in my life, yet even then I was questioning God and doctrines, and why there were so many different christian churches.

Then as a young woman I converted to Mormonism. I became a faithful and devout Mormon. I even went to the temple where I was even married. My faith in Mormonism fell down around me as my marriage melted before my eyes. I was still attending church but my faith wasn’ t there.

In my early 30’s I met a woman at work one day who was reading her bible at lunch. Well that conversation turned into many more and again I turned back to Christianity, but this time church included things like discipleship, mandated sharing the faith, and leaders that weren’t to be questioned. For me this worked for awhile but really again I was attending church but not really finding faith. At this time in my life as well I was a single mom raising a young child and that brought challenges and even made attending church more of a challenge then it was worth most weekends. I felt defeated and alone. At this same time my church was going through its own metamorphosis.  It seemed for awhile that many in the congregation were just hanging on. For me the newcomer I found it hard to create and sustain real relationships. Most seemed fake or forced. I also felt judged and isolated because of my daughter’s special needs and the fact I wasn’t working. For me it was simply easier to make a quiet exit out the back door.

Last year I met a Muslim neighbour who had converted to Islam from Christianity. In our friendship I found someone I could talk to, share with, someone who got my questions. Perhaps this was because we both had daughters the same age with similar special needs. Perhaps it was because life experiences had taken us each inside the halls of many churches. We talked at length about the Quran and the bible. We talked about the similarities and differences of the different faiths. We talked alot about prayer and how it got her through her day. It was the standard of her faith. It was also how she worshipped. She didn’t need to go to a building to do it, it could be done anywhere.

Months later I was here in Nova Scotia still trying to figure out faith and it hit me that for me it simply is about taking that leap of faith and reaching out to God, the one and only. It for me was and is about my need to take it to him in prayer. For me it has been in prayer that I have found faith again. I know I can reach out to a loving God who knows me better then any human and be wrapped in his arms of love. For me it is how I have found faith here alone. For me right now it makes sense. It is in the quiet that I can find him and see him. I am thankful for that.

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